pinoy jokes 4

Si Inay
Guys, have you heard the story of the mag-ina sa U.S.?
Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in Los Angeles. Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.
Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short, they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa dibdib ng kanilang inay. Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong familia. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!!
Pasensiya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment).
Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang:
* dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.
* anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni Nanay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.
* iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat...
* anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.
* isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.
* dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate......
* walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko.
* ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
* ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
* mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko.
Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Nagmamahal na kapatid,
Nene
PS. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay..."

When ERAP was still Vice President (as in maraming vise) he heads the former PACC with Gen.Ping Lacson. Erap accompanied Lacson in one of their anti-kidnapping operations somewhere in Southern Luzon. When they reach the hideout of the kidnappers Erap was brandishing his UZI together with other PACC agents, he then saw two men coming out of the building. He then pointed his UZI at them and shouted at the top of his lungs F R R E E E Z Z E !!!. Upon hearing this the two men then let go of their firearms and placed their hands on top of their heads. Then one of the PACC agents whispered to ERAP, sir mga deep penetrating agents natin ang mga yan sir !! ERAP then replied a ganu'un ba. He then shouted to the two men, Okey boys D E F R O S T !!!!!

Every one knows that President Erap is superstitious. While he was in Kuala Lumpur for the APEC meeting, he is asked by Filipino reporters if he’s going back to the Philippines on Saturday. He looks at the calendar but misreads the date.
"Hindi, ayoko. Friday the 13th pala sa Sabado".

LET'S PUT A STOP TO LIES BEING SPREAD THRU TEXT AGAINST D CHURCH, D COUNTRY, D PRESIDENT, & LATELY, D BANKS! JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESIDENT!

Biodata
Erap in one of his younger days while applying for a job he doesn't really like. His Biodata goes a little something like this:
Position Applied For: Point Guard
Name: Guess Who
Address: Bonifacio
Birthdate: Happy
Sex: Symbol
Marital Status: S (small) M (medium) L (large)
Height: Hitler
Weight: For me!
School: No…is Hot.
Course: Golf
Degree: 90
Special Skills: Singing, Dancing, Acting etc.
Phone Number(s): 3 (Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson)
Fax: U
Contact Person(s): Yes….(Animals ..No.)

LET US PAUSE AND KNOW OUR FELLOW TEXTER WHO DIED LAST NYHT UMAKYAT SA BUBONG NAHULOG SA KNAL NASYOT SA IMBURNAL DAHIL SA KAKAHANAP NG SIGNAL


Proud to be a Filipino
In an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the
Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.
The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."
Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."
The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."
Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines
invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"

From PLDT.COM
OVERHEARD BY PLDT LINEMAN TAPPING MANNY'S PHONE:
Manny: "Good morning, Mr. President."
ERAP : "(incoherent, cough cough) Manny, why is you always trying to make my government look bad all the time in the news?"
Manny: "But, sir, we will never do that. Mr. Suharto, este (rather), my fellow investors are fully supporting you".
ERAP: " So how come in the TV news, always after the bad headlines, they say 'brought to you by PLDT'? Linoloko mo ba ako? (are you fooling my leg?)
Tsaka (and) next time, don't call me before eleven AM, OK?"

Erap hinold-up. Tinutukan ng baril sa ulo.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng gusto mo, ibigay mo ang pitaka mo sa akin o pasabugin ko ang ulo mo?
Erap: Pareho lang yan.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng pareho lang?(!)
Erap: Pareho lang yang walang laman!

Sino'ng Matalino?
One day, Barican visited Erap at his house in San Juan, nadatnan niya si Erap na naglalaro nang Chess, kalaban niya ang kanyang asong "doberman". Barican was amazed and said, "ANG TALINO NAMAN NANG ASO N'YO, SIR!" Erap seemed unimpressed with Barican’s comment and snapped, "SINO'NG MATALINO, GAGO KA PALA EH, DALAWANG BESES PALANG SIYANG NANALO, AH." (ngek din)

Most Patriotic among Erap's Cabinet
Zamora, Barican and Pardo were discussing who the most Patriotic among them. Zamora said he always salute the National flag whenever he sees it and hence, claims to be the most patriotic. Barican said that whenever he hears the national anthem, howsoever faintly, he immediately stand at attention. Likewise, Pardo could not be outdone and he boasts that he wears the national costume and the flag color everyday to qualify as the most patriotic cabinet member.

While all this discussion is taking place, ERAP was keeping mum and just staring at each one. Everyone asked him why he was so quiet and even remarked that ERAP is not a true patriot and hence had nothing to say. Hearing this, ERAP immediately flew into a rage.
"I have keeping quiet until now only because I was feeling like crying on hearing your foolish talk about patriotism. How does it benefitting our country if you saluting the Flag or standing at attention on hearing the national anthem or wearing the barong and so forth? A true patriots is like me, 365 day a years, 24 hours in one day, my radio set is tuning to Beijing Radio at very full volume".
"But how is that a patriotic act, Sir?" Barican asked.
ERAP said, "Mga gago pala kayo, Gademet, you do not understand. Use your coconut, if nothing else we can really harm the Chinese by consuming as much of their electricity as possible".

Combo Meals:
SINGIT -- SINnangaG at ITlog
PWET -- Pinakbet With Ensaladang Talong
TINGIL -- TINortang Galunggong In Lard
FININGER -- FIsh Nuggets IN GingER sauce
TITI -- TInapay at TInapa
PUKE -- PUto with Keso
PAKANTUT -- PAnsit KANton with TUTsie roll
SALSAL -- SALmon with SALabat
TSUPA -- TSUkolate at PAndesal
PAKAPLOG -- PAndesal KAPe at itLOG

ERAP: Sa Glorietta ba to?? anung oras ba kayo nagbubukas???
CALL: 10 AM sir
ERAP: 10 AM pa ba??
CALL: Sir, it's 4 AM pa lang naman...bakit po ba gusto niyong makapasok agad?
ERAP: makapasok ??? gusto ko na ngang lumabas...nakatulog ako sa moviehouse.


May tatlong babae sa ob-gyne at habang naghihintay naguusap sila.
Girl 1: sigurado ako lalaki ang anak ko kasi ako ang nasa ibabaw.
Girl 2: siguro ang sa akin babae kasi inuupuan ko ang miter ko.
At ang pangatlong babae umiiyak kasi baka manganak siya ng tuta..

SHOWBIZ BOO-BOO Archive
1) Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to step your foot...ah , forward!
MELANIE MARQUEZ ANSWERING ATE LUDS QUESTION: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?
2) Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala...
SNOOKY ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM THE PANEL IN SEE-TRUE
3) Eddie Mercado: Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?
Finalist: I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!
4) Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey Albert in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host.
Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt.
Joey de leon : Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt
5) Joey : Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English?
Discorama Girl contestant: BOT!
Vic: So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz!
6) Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.
JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?
Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!
7)Joey de Leon: How are you?
Miss Gay Philippines contestant: How are you too!
8) Eddie Mercado: Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollar, would you also do the same?
Melanie Marquez: NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged.
With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.
9) Joe Cantada : So Atoy, what are your prospects now, mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round...
Atoy Co : Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe)
10) PBA anchor : So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal sa iyong artista natin?
Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre!
Anchor: Sinong Jen?
Arnie T: Si JEN SABURIT.
11) SA GERMSPECIAL...debut ni Janice de Belen!
Kuya Germs: Happy Birthday Janice, Ana, may sasabihin ka pa?
Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): Ilan taon ka na ngayon, Janice?
12) Snooky and Tom Babauta guesting on Germspecial
Kuya Germs: Do you love Phuilippines?
Tom: Yes Kuya Germs.
Kuya Germs: Have you ah made love to a Filipina?
13) Lydia immediately after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash.in 1984 Asian Games.
Reporter: What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending.
Lydia: OO nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!
14) New Year's presentation ng See True:
Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada?
Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!
Kinabukasan, HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE!
15: Joey de Leon: Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba sa mga kalaban mo?
Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: Unang-una, isa akong tunay na Babaeng Pilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isang Gay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. OO nga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kaming mabuhay para hindi lamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran.
Joey: So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo?
Contestant: Palangiti ako.
Vic: Kahit walang tao?
16: Isang panelist sa See-True: Paano mo nabibigyan buhay ang pag-bobold?
Coca Nicolas: Pinaiinum ako ni Tito Rey ng FONDADOR.
17. Joey de Leon: Ano ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga katulad mo sa lipunan, sabi nila...blah, blah, blah..
Miss Gay Phil Contestant: (panay ang ngiti at halatang kinakabahan...) Unang una Joey at Vic, Magandang tanghali sa inyong lahat. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong?

Bye Mom! Be home from camp on Sunday. Relax, I'll be okay.
Bye Mom! Be home at midnight. Relax, I'll be alright.
Bye Mom! I will always be your little girl.Come what may.
Mom: Hoy Junior!!! Tumigil ka nga d'yang damuho ka!!!